Internet Dating

 Holy crap boys and girls, there are some strange ducks out in the pond! I had the bright idea to try this internet dating stuff, so i looked up all these dating sites and damn there are a bunch of them. Everything from E-Harmony to Booty Call.com. I got this idea from all these commercials on TV, you know the ones. After the 427 question personality test, we met online and were married three months later. They never tell you how long it took them to divorce. So here I go trying to fill out this survey honestly. Shite, they ask some realy personal questions and they are repetitive as hell! After going through all that, I hit the submit button and do you know what happened? Absolutely nothing!!! I am the only person on the planet that E-Harmony can’t match!! Now I know that I’m not that screwed up, so I tried a couple of others. Same thing over and over!! That’s what you get for being honest. I did this stuff because you can’t go to a bar, have a few beverages, and ask some girl out or whatever. They know karate!! Not only will the kick your arse, they’ll sue you for all you’re worth!!! I figured that I might be safe on the other end of a computer, but nnnoooo!! I can’t even get slapped, turned down, or anything! Hell, I give up!! Guess it’s booty call.com for my fat Irish arse!! Now where did I put that profile picture of George Cloony……..until we next meet….mac

Life It’s Ownself

Well boys and girls, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch for a while, but you see, I’ve been trying to figure out something. At what point did I evolve to the place where I have no life? I mean, I go to work, I come home, sleep, then start over again. I don’t mean it like I’m sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos, I mean that I became boring. I know I”m getting older, but damn! This Sucks!!! I think I need a change. I mean something big. Maybe change the job, or the hobbies, or the beer that I consume…….wait, scratch that last one. That’s it!!! I need a new hobby!! Sure, that’s the ticket! I could take up golf, or sailing, maybe tennis………wait, wait, wait…..I’m a fat Irishman in Texas. None of those will work. Oh, I got it! I’m going to Florida and hunt me some zombies!!! Hell Yes!!! No, no, no, that won’t work. You have to wait until they come to you. OK, any suggestions from you guys. Hey, I might be on to something here. You guys come up with a new hobby for me to try! I’ll let you come up with something over the next week and we’ll see how it go’s. In the mean time I’ll be right here. Now, where did I put those Cheetos…….mac

THE ZOMBIRS ARE COMING

  Ok boys and girls, I might have been wrong about ground zero of the zombie uprising. It will not be at your local Walmart. It seems that east coast is a better breeding ground for this shite. There have been a couple of episodes of zombie behavior in the last two weeks and frankly I’m getting a bit worried. There was a guy in Maryland who killed and ate some of his roommate and then some dude in Florida beat and ate most of the face off of a homeless man. This crap has got to stop. I know the dude in Florida was high on a designer drug called bathsalts. Think LSD with a touch of amphetimines for good luck, but the guy in Maryland wasn’t on anything. He just Hannibal Lectered the dude! I do wonder if he preferred Chianti over Merlot…..just saying. Anyway this has to come to a halt,now!!! People, it’s only fiction! Movies, make believe, not fricking real!! Do not go out and eat the face off of your friends!! If this keeps up, you’ll start seeing people up on rooftops with rifles shooting anyone who looks like they might eat your brain! Of course this would cut down on door to door solicitors and religious groups….hhhhmmmmm. I can see it now, a door bell rings, Lester or Polly Esther answers it to find some guy standing there on the porch, who says ” May I interest you in information on a way to change..” BANG-BANG….” Did he say change or brains?”……oh well……until we next meet……mac

An Empty fridge

 Well boys and girls, I have made it through the darkness of being sick and returning to you, almost whole, only to find my fridge empty of the drink of the gods. It seems that before my convelesence, i had injested all of the Guinness in my stockpile. Either that or some cruel anti-Irish gnomes took it while I was near death. OK, maybe near death is a little strong, but DAMN, i was sick. So I finally feel near to my old self and having eaten a real dinner, decided to have a pint or two, when calamity reared it’s ugly head. No Guinness! I know, most of you would say, go to the store and get more. Well that is a bit easier than it sounds. I live in a small Texas town and most of the drink around here is geared to those who drink easy to find American beer. Being an Irishman does have it’s drawbacks. Now before you say, America love it or leave it, you should know that I was born and raised here, in Texas, but that I am very proud of my homeland, therefore, I refuse to drink anything but Irish alcohol. This can be a problem here. Of course I do have an agreement with a local merchant to carry Guinness, but it’s the fact that I don’t remember drinking all that I had that pisses me off. I’m sure it was the gnomes and I hope they had a grand time of it. So I sallied forth and aquired more, but to stay on the safe side, I put it on a higher shelf in the fridge. Piss on those gnomes. God created Guinness to keep the Irish from taking over the world…until we next meet…..mac

In Sickness and In Hell

Well boys and girls, the old man has been laid up. It seems as you get a little advanced in age a common cold can jump to damn near pneumonia in just a few days. It all started after going out one night. I woke with a little sniffle, so right away I grab the over the counter cold medications in the medicine cabinet and jump right on it. I don’t have time to be sick. There’s work to be done and I’m just the one to do it! Soon I felt better and went on about my business. The next morning I woke up dead! Holy crap!!! I felt like shite! I couldn’t breathe through my nose and every breath I could get felt like I was burning my lungs up. My head was pounding, I ached all over, and nothing tasted good, and let me tell you that I like food, so this really sucked! The only light in this tunnel was no fever. I knew it wasn’t the flu, so that left bronchitis. After going through this a few times and having it turn to pneumonia, I knew I was going to have to nip this crap in the bud. Nip it! Now we really have to hit the meds, because I do not, DO NOT, want pneumonia again! So we have stuff to make you cough, stuff to make you not cough, stuff to stop the aches, stuff to get rid of snot, just all kinds of drugs. Hell half the time I feel like I’m married to drugs and kleenex! I hope to soon be back in my usual form, so until then, until death do us part…….mac

By the way, I ment no disrespect to married folks…really I didn’t…..OK maybe I did…………mac

Doorbells and Sundays

  Oh boys and girls, this might end up a rant. Is it just me or are people becoming more illiterate or just down right stupid. Here’s the set up, I was happily sleeping away this fine Sunday morning, when what should occur? Some idiot leaning on my doorbell using it to play a KISS tune, just to find out if I would like my yard mowed! DAMN! If I wanted the meadow that has become my yard cut, I would do it myself! The last thing anyone needs is the roaring sound of a lawnmower on a peaceful Sunday morning! I know, I probably should have been up getting ready for church, but I know God rested on the seventh day, so why can’t I, without idiots ringing doorbells! The thing that really kills it for me, is the No Soliciting sign under the doorbell. Are people just giving up on reading the English language? You see this kind of stupidity on the news all of the time. People walk right past the Wet Floor sign at the local fast food joint, slip,fall, and then sue the place for millions. Are people so wrapped up in a cheeseburger that they forget how to read? OK, OK, I will let it go now. People are stupid, Guinness is good, and that is the way of the world. I wonder if the lawnmower dude is going to sue me for not seeing the No Soliciting sign because I answered the door naked? …….until we next meet…mac

Walmart and Zombies

 Ok boys and girls, have you ever gone to Walmart late, late at night and come into contact with the ones who work there? If there ever will be a zombie takeover, this is ground zero! Now don’t get me wrong, I work nights and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, but these scare the crap out of me! They shuffle around mumbling to each other shifting boxes of stuff up and down the isles and if the store intercom goes off, they raise their heads and shake in mass! I know, I know, don’t be so judgemental, but damn! I swear, I was back by the housewares and one of them asked if they could help me find something, what I heard was “BRAINS”. I guess it’s because I am usually the only non-employee there at this time of night. I’m sure they are all nice folks, but if the zombie nation ever rises up, the one place you won’t find me is….you guessed it. Double tap….until we next meet…mack

Here we go

I awoke today, looked out my bedroom window and saw a bird painting my curb-side mailbox. As to what paint he was using, I will leave that to your discretion. Most would frown upon his behavior, but I feel that the bird had a plan. The paint was not for me to find, but for a lazy mailman. You see, yesterday the mailman left a stack of mail in the box that was not mine. It was not even marked to come to my house. The person and address was across town. The only reason that I can come up with for this, is that my huse is at the end of the postmans route and that my mailbox became a depository for his mistakes. How the bird knew this, I have no clue. What I do know and what the mailman was to soon discover, is that god, karma, or whatever is wicked funny. I call it poetic justice. Until we next meet….mac